


holding onto things i can't replace

by furyssecretboyband



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, im a bad person, more tags to be added when im not being lazy and finally finish writing something to add
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 04:44:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4990726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/furyssecretboyband/pseuds/furyssecretboyband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Promise that no matter what happens we’ll always be friends. I really like having you in my life, I never want that to change,” Tony had whispered in the dark of the night.</p><p>Some promise, Steve thought. Tony hadn’t wanted it to change, but look at them now, he’d gone and changed it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	holding onto things i can't replace

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by lots of break up songs. (Title from the song Broken Pieces by 5 seconds of summer).

**“Bittersweet chemistry**

**I can't escape you anywhere, even in my dreams**

**All that's in my head are pictures of memories**

**Words that you said to me.”**

**-Lost In Reality, 5 Seconds of Summer**

* * *

 

It was a Saturday night, and Steve decides to stay home and clean through his things. He had been putting it off for weeks now, he decides to get it done now before he puts it off even longer. He’s cleaning his small bedroom closet, bagging all the clothes and shoes that won’t fit him or Bucky, or even Sam, and putting it off to the side.

He reached up on the shelf clearing it all away, separating all the things into their respective piles of garbage, give away, or save. Once the top shelf is almost empty he notices one last box pushed all the way in the back corner. He reaches for it, pulling it off the shelf. It’s surprisingly heavy, and he frowns unsure of what is inside.

He sits on the floor of the closet and sets it in front of him, he slowly opens it. And immediately he recognizes it’s contents, or well, most of it’s contents. There’s a velvety box, one that usually contains an engagement ring and he swallows thickly, frowning. He picks it up for the first time in almost six years, it’s still there. A ring, simple and elegant, it had belonged to his grandmother.

He sighs remembering clearly, where once upon a time he had fully intended on giving it to someone. Remembering clutching it nervously in his hands, unsure of what he’ll say but not caring because he was young and in love.

The box is full to the top with trinkets, and pictures, and old presents that were just small enough, there was a few receipts and tickets he was sure of it. All remains of an old lover, the memories of what he’d thought would last forever.

He thought they could be happy, he thought that he’d found the love of his life, that he’d spend the rest of his life with him. But it didn’t work out, he remembers it all. Every word, every moment, he swallows as he clutches the box in his hand.

The first thing he notices next is the last picture they ever took together.

Two boys happily together in early June, both smiling fondly at each other. They were freshmen in NYU, so happy and in love. He remembers the day, Natasha had taken the photo.

The picture that would become their last, but the two boys happily in love didn’t know that. Not yet. To them it was just another unplanned picture their friends would take. It was intended to be a cute picture, not the sentimental last picture it was now.

There were the first pictures of the two as well, some with just the two and some with other people they were friends with. But each had the two young boys not even knowing what was to come, they weren’t in love yet. Just two kids being good friends, unaware that a few years down the road they would make promises and mean the world to each other. And then a few more years, they would be nothing but strangers to each other.

_“Promise that no matter what happens we’ll always be friends. I really like having you in my life, I never want that to change,” Tony had whispered in the dark of the night, the night Tony had admitted he’d been crazy about him._

Some promise, Steve thought as he looked at the other things in the box. Tony hadn’t wanted it to change, but look at them now, he’d gone and changed it all.

He looked at the first few pictures of smiling kids no more than 12, he had been very skinny then. And when he looked at the last picture they ever took, the last time Tony had seen him he’d had a growth spurt and had been barely starting to earn muscle. He had been slightly muscular but not like he was now, a lot has changed in that time. He wondered if Tony would be surprised at how he looked now.

A ticket stub from the art museum that Tony insisted on taking him to as part of their first date. And Steve remembered Tony never understanding art. Yes, he could admit when the painting looked nice and appreciated the hard work the artist put into the work. But he couldn’t understand it fully because it wasn’t an equation he could solve, not a piece of equipment he could break down and rebuild. It was something more, something full of emotions and color and inspiration. But he made an effort of learning about. He only did it for Steve, even before they had became a couple. Steve had smiled at the effort Tony put into understanding and learning art just for him. And he caught himself looking at Tony more than the art that day. Wondering if Tony would ever see that his projects were art in their own respect.

He wondered if that had changed, he wondered if Tony considered all his fancy inventions art. He wondered if in the five years since they parted he had learned to appreciate art for more than just the work effort and how nice it looked framed, but for all it stood for. He hoped he did.

There were also the first pictures of them after becoming a couple, a particular one standing out, it was from a photo booth, a string of five pictures all being cute and goofy and the last was a kiss. Their friends had groaned at how coupley they had been. But Steve and Tony didn’t care they were about 16 and so wide eyed with the joys of first love.

He remembered the kisses, soft and simple but turned passionate and heated as they grown, wondering if Tony had kissed anyone the same since then. He wondered if he had someone to hold, as they lay in bed talking about nothing, the way they used to.

_“Do you ever think about the future?” Tony asked one day when they were seventeen, tracing circles on Steve’s arms._

_“Not really,” he replied honestly, “I think it’s pointless to think about what hasn’t happened yet. Do you think about the future?”_

_Tony considered the question, before answering, “Yeah, I think about it a lot.”_

_“What about it?”_

_“Like, I wonder about what will change, there’s endless lists of possibilities and endless lists of things to be improved. I don’t know, I wonder what’s in store.”_

_“But if it hasn’t happened why does it matter? You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.”_

_“Not if I make things go like I want,” he retorted with a slight smirk._

_“You can’t control everything. The past and right now has to happen before anything in the future can,” he said unsure if it matters. “It’s pointless to think of things that hasn’t happened.”_

_“You’re just a nostalgic asshole,” Tony said with a laugh._

Steve laughed bitterly at how right Tony had been about him even then. He was such a nostalgic asshole, he sighed pushing through the other objects in the shoebox. There was a broken frame, and he frowned as the memory of their first fight came to mind. They were seniors in high school, and it had been 3 years since they started dating, it was their first real fight, not a petty argument like before.

_“Are you serious? You’re going to believe them over me?” Tony had shouted at him, and thinking it over he should’ve known but he couldn’t help it. He was insecure and believed it without a second thought, it had to be true. Why would he settle for Steve, when he can get anybody?_

_Small skinny Steve who was not a catch, of course Tony would cheat with someone better. “Tony, just leave me alone!” he shouted back as his heart ached, not wanting to believe but it was too late he already confronted Tony._

_“I can’t believe you. Everybody judges me and believes the rumors, I thought you’d be different,” Tony yelled, he had tried to be calm, and not get angry but it was too late. It had turned into a screaming match._

_“Yeah, well I thought you’d be different too,” Steve spat back angrily. Tony glared and turned away he couldn’t believe this. He muttered something before turning out the door and slamming it._

_Steve wiped the tears from his eyes, as he sat on his bed, on the night stand was a picture of the two, and he grabbed it and threw it at the wall with an angry grunt. He sat with his hands in his head, as he willed himself to calm down._

He had grown to realize he should’ve trusted Tony before anybody, but he was young and insecure and too dumb to think straight. Too prone to falling for the rumors, he sighed, he learned to stop believing the rumors that surrounded Tony Stark even now years later when he was in the news or tabloids every other day. He learned to not believe the rumors.

The night of their first fight, when Steve’s mother came home from work she came to his room and told him Tony was on the front porch. After talking to his mother he went out.

_Steve opened the front door and Tony looked back and stood up. “I’m sorry,” they both blurted out at the same time. And they laughed and they sat on the porch and talked through it, and that was that._

They had got into a few more fights after that but each time they pulled through and made up. It was just what they did.

He frowned thinking about it, he then saw the dead flower he had worn on his suit for their senior prom and felt an ache in his chest as he remembered the conversation they had in the hotel room after the dance.

_“So, I was thinking about the future,” Steve whispered as they laid in bed together, the feel of Tony tracing his bare skin._

_“Huh, I thought the future was overrated?” he said with a cocked eyebrow. And Steve just rolled his eyes, but Tony smiled, “What about it?”_

_“I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of it with you,” he replied completely honest._

_“Is that you’re way of saying you plan to marry me?” Tony had joked._

_“Yeah, one day,” he said seriously._

_Tony let a small smile form, “Well, I wouldn’t mind spending the future with you.”_

His heart ached, at the words, they had seemed so honest and real on that night so many years ago but now just rang in another broken promise of an ex lover. And he closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Maybe Tony had meant it then, but things change.

Steve bit his lip as he thought about how bittersweet their love was, it was a whirlwind of first love. But first loves weren’t meant to last.

They had gone to NYU together that following year, and it had been perfect, or at least Steve thought so.

_“I’m in love with you,” Steve whispered between kisses as they sat in a dark dorm room, the kissing and whispering happened each time they were alone. It was a routine they had started senior year and had brought with them to college, and Tony smiled into the kisses._

_“I’m in love with you,” he would whisper back, between the kisses._

He found the sketch of Tony he drew during their freshman year of college, they had been in Tony’s dorm just messing around. And then Tony had an idea and started working right there on his dorm floor, mumbled random things Steve didn’t understand. And Steve smiled as he went on to capture the look of Tony Stark hard at work.

He wondered how many times he had that urge to stop everything to figure out something, wondering if he ever stopped talking to his new lovers for hours just because he had a stroke of genius. He wondered how many were okay with being ignored.

And then he wondered if he had gone to the ways he used to during summers when he wouldn’t eat or talk to anyone for days because he just had to finish this new thing. He wondered if he ever got that bad again, and he hoped that he took care of himself.

He shook the thought away, he had no reason to still care about his wellbeing. Flipping through the rest of the things, little artifacts of what used to be their love. Every word, every memory, every kiss, every moment spent with Tony was rushing back at him, and he felt like he was drowning.

Thinking about Tony wasn’t new to him he thought about Tony multiple times in the past couple years, but those were different than now. He had just been thinking about how he must be doing, or that he would’ve liked his and Bucky’s new neighbor. Or Natasha’s new studio. Just random thoughts, but nothing like now he hadn’t realized how much he missed Tony, he missed him so much.

He would also be lying if he’d say he didn’t still love him, because god, he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving him. Not then, and certainly not now.

He was drowning and aching so much for what had been. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying until he wiped a tear away. He took a shaky breathe, damn him for being a nostalgic asshole.

He put everything back in the box wanting to wish he’d never opened it in the first place, wishes he didn’t have to keep everything of his and Tony’s love. And he goes back to the ring box in the end, it’s the last thing he has to put away and the last part of their story. And held it softly reopening it and letting himself cry.

_“You’ll be fine,” Natasha said as she stood up grabbing his shoulders. She looked him in the eye as if she’d find the answers to her unasked questions. She had told him he should wait, even Bucky who was halfway across the world had told him, but he kept insisting it had to be now._

_A knock on the door signaled Tony was there for their anniversary date. He smiled nodding and stuffing the box in his pocket._

_Later that night, he and Tony were walking around town, and Steve stopped him. Tony looked at him with a smile, “Is everything okay?”_

_“Yeah, I just. I need to say something. Please, just listen,” Steve said feeling the nerves multiple and then took in a deep breathe, before starting again. “I love you, I really do. And I’ve known since the beginning that you’re the only person I want to be with. I told you less than two years ago on prom night that I wanted to spend the future with you and I wasn’t lying. I keep thinking about the future and I can’t see my life without you in it. I want to be with you forever.” He looked at Tony, who looked shocked, and bent down on one knee, “Tony Stark will you marry me?”_

_Tony hesitated, the shock still on his face, “Yes, Steve. Yes.”_

_Steve smiled brightly sliding the ring onto Tony’s finger, and pulling him into a hug, he’d been so happy._

_The next morning it all came crashing down, he woke up to clothes scattered, and an empty bed he thought Tony just went to get coffee or something. But when he reached for his phone he noticed the ring and a note, that said, “I’m so sorry, Steve.”_

_It was plain and simple. But Steve didn’t understand last night they had been so happy, they had been happy._

_He got dressed and ran to Tony’s dorm room, only to find Clint sitting there as he stared at the half of the room that no longer had clothes or technology, or even sheets on the bed. The half that was now bare. Tony’s half._

_Clint looked up to see Steve in the doorway, and immediately frowned. “Sorry, Steve,” he muttered as he looked away._

_“Did he tell you where he was going?” Steve asked frantically, trying to steady his breath._

_Clint continued to look down and avoid eye contact, he swallowed before telling him, “Nope. He didn’t say a thing.”_

Clint left the following year after Tony did. He decided college just wasn’t for him, and years after Clint had left, Steve had found out that Tony did tell Clint where’d he gone. Clint had even helped him pack up his things, and got his brother to lend his truck so Tony can load up and leave.

Tony had made Clint promise not to tell Steve anything. And Clint had kept his promise.

_The following months Steve wallowed in self pity, even returning home during weekends and non class days. “He just needs space, baby. You two will work it out you always do,” his mother whispered as she held him. But even she was wrong._

_He tried to call, multiple times but the number was changed. Soon a year had passed and Steve had learned that Tony had fled to Boston to attend MIT._

_He wanted to cry but he didn’t, he just hoped he’d returned, and as another year past it became clear he wouldn’t._

_And he learned Tony had moved to Malibu._

_He said he was fine, but he wasn’t._

Steve let out a sob, as he played it back, those last couple of months had been perfect. How did it end so wrong? They could’ve worked it out, if Tony thought something was wrong. They could’ve. But instead he just left without a trace.

He wished he’d at least known why he fled, it would’ve hurt so much less. And he wished he hated Tony, but he didn’t and never will. Not even for tearing his heart apart by just leaving. He wished, he wished. But no matter what, Tony would always be on the other side of the country and he’d be here in New York, missing a love that hadn’t lasted.

Steve cried that night over Tony, but he didn’t blame him.

Maybe the reason was far greater. But his heart ached as he sat crying over what could’ve been, blaming only himself. And wishing Tony at least gave him a reason why he left.

But he’ll be fine, he always had been.

Because once upon a time he had once planned to propose to the love of his life. He had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. And once upon a time he was sure Tony felt the same.

And in the end he’d still wanted to spend the rest of his life with Tony, and Tony was still the love of his life. But now he wasn’t sure if Tony felt the same. And maybe he never was sure of it.


End file.
